Where the Fuck am I?

I found this picture a few days ago on Facebook (initially seen on a page called Purple Clover I believe) and laughed for a few minutes about it, but the more I think about it the more I realize how true it is of where I am today. I mean when I go into a Pagan or Witchcraft shop and people ask me about my path I find myself staggering through the conversation worse than a college student on the first night of Spring break.  I usually manage to mutter something somewhat satisfactory to them and get them talking about themselves so that I don’t have to talk anymore.

You see when I ask myself about the core practices of my faith, what I believe in and what I follow I have to be honest… I have no idea. I’ve been hammering around in the dark as of late, without a clue where I am going. I mean I don’t really do a lot of workings/spells/prayers/rituals as of late. I say it’s because I am busy and there is some truth in that, but it’s not the whole truth. The truth is I took the road less traveled and now I have no idea where the fuck I am!

I’m not exactly good at following rules and directives when it comes to spiritual practice and I don’t do well with religious doctrine. I am sure this does not help me since most religions have a formula to help you achieve results. Like in Catholicism you pray on a rosary, go to mass, receive the Eucharist and confess your sins to the priest. In Islam you follow the four pillars of Islam, pray daily, read the Koran and follow the holy days. In Wicca you follow the rede, the wheel of the year, make offerings to the Gods and conduct rituals. All of these are ways that people find their connection with the divine (ok so I way over simplified but I’m not a religious scholar and to fully detail out everything for each religion would take a couple of books, not a blog post).

Lately my mind has been full of questions to myself, like where the fuck am I? What do I believe in? Who do I believe in? What exactly is my path? Where should I be going? How do I find my way again? And what a fucking bunch of scary thoughts those are! I’m not so arrogant as to think that I am the only one who has these issues… but I don’t see a lot of people talking about it. And that is kind of depressing.

When I read other blogs, or books, or discussion forums everyone is an expert (or rather close to it). Granted the most popular blogs that are easy to find are written by people who have been at this for a long time, so maybe they are well evolved past this point. But here, in this insane little corner of the internet I want to muse about this whole being lost thing, I want to talk about it (well write about it), and I want to explore it for a little bit. I want to talk about the doubt, about the feeling loopy, about staggering around, about being imperfect. Let's see where this journey will take me!