In starting this process of exploring lost and figuring it all out I have to
say this has been a long process. I actually started on it months ago and it
has been an indepth and intensive process. Much of the work has been internal
and has involved a lot of questioning, crying, journalling, bitching to anybody
who was kind enough to listen and lost of late nights eating ice cream and
staring into space. Now that I am coming out the other side of it I think I can
give a few humble suggestions about how to be lost.
First and foremost, you will be scared. It's a fucking terrifying bag of suck being spiritually lost! And you know what, it's ok to be afraid, it's ok to sit with a pint of Ice Cream, while sitting on the sofa, swearing up a blue streak as you try and sort it all out. It's ok to feel the confusion, and the heartbreak that goes with it all. Your emotions are a healthy thing, and what's more they are yours. If you find being lost makes you feel exhilarated and free that's great! If it makes you want to curl up in a little ball and sob your guts out that's great to! It's ok to feel whatever the hell you are feeling, just don't let yourself get stuck. It’s ok to mourn that which was lost but don’t let it become the chain you strangle yourself with. At the end of the day you will have to decide that you want to get your ass off the couch and start engaging with the world again, only you can do that.
Second, you are going to be tempted to cling harder to the religious structures that gave you comfort before. Go ahead; there is nothing wrong with giving something a good hard second look. Maybe you will find something you missed that will help you find your way back. If so, wohhooooooooo!!! That’s awesome. And if you don’t, that’s ok too. It is ok to let it go, to take a step back from it all while you sort things out for yourself. If you belong to a coven it’s ok to request a leave while you get your feet under you, or to stop attending churches, temples, synagogues etc. It’s also ok to keep going while you work on it in your heart and mind. Truth be told there is no right or wrong way to be lost, well except going crazy and killing people, that’s wrong.
Likewise it is ok to set aside the labels you attach to yourself for a while (third point). For part of my journey I was not comfortable calling myself Pagan or Witch because I was lost and unsure of where my next step would take me. So I let go of the labels for a while. I set them aside as I walked forwards. I eventually picked them back up again but you don’t have to. It’s also totally ok to let go of an unhealthy ideal image, especially one that causes you more harm than good. There is nothing wrong with having goals to strive for, it’s not a good idea to have a next to impossible goal and then beat the shit out of yourself when you cannot reach it.
Fourth: there is no shame in being lost. I had a huge helping of self imposed guilt on my plate about being lost, about how it meant I was a terrible person, pagan and witch. I didn’t want anybody to know for the longest time, it was a dirty secret I kept. But you know what, I got over that, I realized that being lost was a sign of growth. I had grown within the previous traditions I had been in and then my growth took me outside of them. Some people will continue to grow within those traditions and I am excited for them! I just wasn’t one of them, and you know what, that’s ok.
Fifth: there is nothing wrong with taking the time to explore outside your tradition. I spent a lot of time reading what people of other faiths had to say, both clergy and the layperson. I found some things that turned me away, but I found a lot more inspiration and beauty in their words. I found ideas they offered for others to try (some were epic failures and others gave me new perspectives). I found things I had not considered and I lost a lot of the prejudices I had been allowing to fester in my spirit. I found that we are far more alike than we are different, that we are all linked, that we are still one. No matter the God, no matter the prayer, no matter the trappings of the religion, we are still one. We are all walking miracles and a unique expression of the universe.
And finally the most important thing I discovered with this journey is the value of being myself. I took the time I needed to go through this journey. I decided what voices I needed to listen to, and those I needed to ignore. I learned that sometimes it’s ok to listen to the advice of others, and other times to tell them to fuck off (or at least mentally do so). Take your time to go through your journey, thank those who add value to the journey and tell those that would hinder you or outright stop you to stop, and if they don’t tell them to fuck off. You can follow advice if you want or you can take another road.
At the end of the day finding the right expression for your soul is your journey. Relationships you make with the divine are your own. It’s up to you and the divine to decide how that relationship will work, or it’s up to you to decide that there is no divine. The only right choice, is your choice. I hope you find nothing but love and support along the way, and if you don't, tell them to blow you and move on.
First and foremost, you will be scared. It's a fucking terrifying bag of suck being spiritually lost! And you know what, it's ok to be afraid, it's ok to sit with a pint of Ice Cream, while sitting on the sofa, swearing up a blue streak as you try and sort it all out. It's ok to feel the confusion, and the heartbreak that goes with it all. Your emotions are a healthy thing, and what's more they are yours. If you find being lost makes you feel exhilarated and free that's great! If it makes you want to curl up in a little ball and sob your guts out that's great to! It's ok to feel whatever the hell you are feeling, just don't let yourself get stuck. It’s ok to mourn that which was lost but don’t let it become the chain you strangle yourself with. At the end of the day you will have to decide that you want to get your ass off the couch and start engaging with the world again, only you can do that.
Second, you are going to be tempted to cling harder to the religious structures that gave you comfort before. Go ahead; there is nothing wrong with giving something a good hard second look. Maybe you will find something you missed that will help you find your way back. If so, wohhooooooooo!!! That’s awesome. And if you don’t, that’s ok too. It is ok to let it go, to take a step back from it all while you sort things out for yourself. If you belong to a coven it’s ok to request a leave while you get your feet under you, or to stop attending churches, temples, synagogues etc. It’s also ok to keep going while you work on it in your heart and mind. Truth be told there is no right or wrong way to be lost, well except going crazy and killing people, that’s wrong.
Likewise it is ok to set aside the labels you attach to yourself for a while (third point). For part of my journey I was not comfortable calling myself Pagan or Witch because I was lost and unsure of where my next step would take me. So I let go of the labels for a while. I set them aside as I walked forwards. I eventually picked them back up again but you don’t have to. It’s also totally ok to let go of an unhealthy ideal image, especially one that causes you more harm than good. There is nothing wrong with having goals to strive for, it’s not a good idea to have a next to impossible goal and then beat the shit out of yourself when you cannot reach it.
Fourth: there is no shame in being lost. I had a huge helping of self imposed guilt on my plate about being lost, about how it meant I was a terrible person, pagan and witch. I didn’t want anybody to know for the longest time, it was a dirty secret I kept. But you know what, I got over that, I realized that being lost was a sign of growth. I had grown within the previous traditions I had been in and then my growth took me outside of them. Some people will continue to grow within those traditions and I am excited for them! I just wasn’t one of them, and you know what, that’s ok.
Fifth: there is nothing wrong with taking the time to explore outside your tradition. I spent a lot of time reading what people of other faiths had to say, both clergy and the layperson. I found some things that turned me away, but I found a lot more inspiration and beauty in their words. I found ideas they offered for others to try (some were epic failures and others gave me new perspectives). I found things I had not considered and I lost a lot of the prejudices I had been allowing to fester in my spirit. I found that we are far more alike than we are different, that we are all linked, that we are still one. No matter the God, no matter the prayer, no matter the trappings of the religion, we are still one. We are all walking miracles and a unique expression of the universe.
And finally the most important thing I discovered with this journey is the value of being myself. I took the time I needed to go through this journey. I decided what voices I needed to listen to, and those I needed to ignore. I learned that sometimes it’s ok to listen to the advice of others, and other times to tell them to fuck off (or at least mentally do so). Take your time to go through your journey, thank those who add value to the journey and tell those that would hinder you or outright stop you to stop, and if they don’t tell them to fuck off. You can follow advice if you want or you can take another road.
At the end of the day finding the right expression for your soul is your journey. Relationships you make with the divine are your own. It’s up to you and the divine to decide how that relationship will work, or it’s up to you to decide that there is no divine. The only right choice, is your choice. I hope you find nothing but love and support along the way, and if you don't, tell them to blow you and move on.
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