Exploring Lost - Considering Options

As I sit around, lingering in lost land I realize that I am at a turning point. I have explored some of the feelings I have had about being lost, how I got to this point, some of the ideas I have been clinging too that are most certainly not helping me. Now I find I have reached a point where I feel the need to start considering my options. I sat down over the last few days and drafted for myself a list of choices I have before me, along with the Pro’s and Con’s of each choice.

When I first realized I was lost I did not seem to have this ability. I found my thinking was seriously impaired, I found myself walking through a fog filled with sorrow, disappointment and despair. Now that I have taken some time to think, write and calm myself down I can feel the fog lifting and a few choices are clear to me. I think it would be wise for me to take a few moments and look at each of these options before blindly pitching myself into one of these directions. From where I sit the paths I can chose are:

·         Stay lost

·         Get apathetic about religion and spirituality (Essentially say Fuck it)

·         Decide to be an atheist

·         Pick a religion and throw myself into it

·         Other

So in examining the first option, to Stay Lost, there are some remarkably solid reasons to stick with it. The first is that it requires minimum decision making on my behalf. I just do not move. I don’t have to worry about the consequences of the other decisions as I have already discovered what being lost is like. Being lost is a bit on the easier side too. I mean if I’m lost no holy days to care about right? And despite the discomfort it has propelled me to think a lot more and explore points of view that a few years ago I never would have even considered. The cons for this choice is that it is not a comfortable place to be in as I have explained before. I find it hard to answer burning questions within myself about what I value and find sacred in the world around me if I stay spinning my wheels.

My second option is to be apathetic and just say fuck it to everything regarding spirituality and religion. This is another easy option for me. I once again don’t have to put too much work into it. It gives me a great deal of freedom to do what I want when I want without having to commit myself to any singular direction. And yet it is not a comfortable place either. Granted there are freedoms involved but there is something inside of me, a longing for the divine perhaps, perhaps the need to feel like there is meaning to this tiny existence on our big blue and green marble. The truth of it all is spirituality still is something that matters to me.

This pretty much decides the direction I need to go on the third option. Atheism does have its appealing points to me. Values based on the inherit worth of humanity as a whole rather than on a division of those who are right and wrong, plus the rational backing of scientific theory and principles are very attractive. And yet I find myself quoting Shakespeare here: “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy” (Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 5). Again the deep stiring in my soul for that which science has not yet been able to explain, along with some personal experiences that the only scientific explanation for is schizophrenia, makes atheism a less appealing choice. I am still far too drawn to mystery and magic, to Gods and Angels, Fairies and Spirits.

So seeing that Atheism is not the best fit for me the next choice is to pick a religion and practice it fully. This is not a bad option, it is in fact what I have done all my life. Starting with Catholocism into a few branches of Christianity, to Dianic Wicca, to Wicca to Celtic Paganism to Lost. This would give me a nice framework to reside within and a supportive community to answer my questions. On the other hand, I have found in each group I have belong to over the course of my life I eventually find myself stiffled and no closer to a connection with the divine. I'm also a stubborn pain in the ass that does not like to ben when soemthing seems wrong or off to me. If I don't feel it I tend to balk, not sure if that is a good thing or not. Mind you the decision to walk is an agonizing one and it's only when I really know deep in my soul that the practice or religion is making me starve.

To be honest, I am tiered of trying to fit into the correct mold. I am tiered of limits being placed on the expression of my spirit. I am tiered of the walls built to keep people out, or is it to keep people in. I'm tiered of the questions of "Am I doing this right?" "Am I enough of a (Witch/Pagan/Christian etc) ". I'm also tiered of peple who are trying to pigeon hole and classify me then try to keep me in that box. And I am tiered oftrying to fit my soul into a box. Perhaps I need another option. Perhaps its time I tear the walls around my soul down and let it take the lead for once.