Well look at this... I'm actually posting again! So I am not going to lie, things have been a bit on the rough side. I've spent the past few weeks telling my closest friends my long list of sob stories so I won't bore the rest of the free world with them, other than to say the past few months have been a shrieking Hell on earth.The hardest part was that it was not just one event, but multiple events, each of them shook the foundations of my life (and my husband's life) to the point that I felt as though the ground was collapsing under my feet. The events of the past few months also brought out almost every old hurt and insecurity that I have held onto for the past 30 years of my life. Fortunately things finally calmed down enough over the past few weeks that we have been able to start getting our bearings.
I wish I could say that I handled the past few months well, but I really didn't. I cried a lot, and I don't mean sweet, pretty crying you see on TV, I mean full out snotty bawling like a baby crying. I screamed a few times, I was mopy and cranky for days on end and spent many days just plain down in the dumps.I still owe a million thanks to my family and friends who stood by me during the past few months, I know I have not been easy to live with. Between the professional and personal issues I also ran into a huge crisis of faith where nothing made sense anymore. I tried to read books, cast spells and do some rituals but everything felt hollow and empty and made me feel more lost than when I had started.
While emotionally I was going through the wringer I have to admit that I went through the rest of my life on autopilot. I got up in the morning, painted a smile on my face, went to work, came home, broke down a little, went to bed and then started all over again the next day. None of my usual coping methods (journaling, stones, meditation, gardening, music) were working. I felt completely out of touch with myself. Naturally many things in my life fell by the wayside; this blog, my garden, keeping the house in shape and everything to do with my spirituality.
Fortunately our vacation came in time to save my bacon. Two days of driving to the coast and then five days staying on the beach, lounging and spending time with my family, followed by a two day drive home, really helped me to get the cobwebs shook loose. I began engaging in daily life again and started pulling myself out of my funk... but something was missing. I really didn't want to sink back into the hole I had just pulled myself out of so I knew I had to do something. Things at work were rather slow so I spent a bit of time pondering what to do. An then I had an idea. I mulled it over for a few minutes and then decided to try this novel idea as soon as I got home. My husband was working the late shift at his job.
When I got home I pulled out one of our collapsible tables and set it up next to my favorite chair in the living room. I placed a nice cloth over the table and placed the statue of my favorite Goddess on the table. I poured myself a glass of wine and poured a second glass for Her. I then put on a music DVD (Cher's Farewell Tour, seemed appropriate). I then focused on that Goddess for a few minutes and then lit a candle. I held Her glass of wine in front of the statue for a moment and asked her to join me for a glass of wine and to talk.
I sat there for a few minutes sipping my wine and looking at the statue, feeling kind of foolish and wondering if this madcap idea was really a good one. So I began to sing along with the DVD (and make the poor dog cringe). After a few minutes I started to talk a little... then I began to talk a lot. I talked about everything, about things from my childhood that had hurt me, about things I was so angry about (including how short I am, I mean I need a stool to get my mixing bowls down!). I talked about the last few months and how much they had hurt me. I talked about what I wanted to fix in my life, what I no longer wanted. In between I sang along with some of my favorite shows, let the dog out to escape my singing, made sarcastic comments and drank wine.
When it was almost time for my husband to come home I thanked the Goddess for her time, poured the wine out onto a tree in my yard and put everything in order. As I placed the statue back onto it's spot on our shrine I asked her if we could do this again sometime and went to make a quick supper. That night I went to bed and for the first time in months fell asleep right away. After not doing any rituals or anything remotely spiritual in months I had finally found a way to sooth my spirit.
It was the strangest ritual I have ever done. There were no real tools, no circle cast, no call to the directions or the elements. It followed no format and was completely unplanned, and yet it reached me deep down in my soul. Over the past few days I have been pondering about this and made some important realizations.
First and foremost was that I had stopped listening to myself. I was so focused on the outwards aspects of my life that I had not stopped to take the time to sooth my soul. When I did notice that I was out of sorts I tried following the rituals laid out by others, which failed miserably. I realized that I had focused way to much on the outward form, trying to do an "appropriate ritual" that I had lost the whole point of rituals... getting in touch with the divine. My focus was so much on what the right candles to use were that I forgot how to connect to the divine. I was working so hard on being religious that I had forgotten how to be spiritual. And finally it reminded me that the everyday things in our lives can be magical tools of transformation.
I'm sure somebody reading this will cringe that I would dare to approach a Goddess in such a manner, and to save them the trouble of sending me the scathing email I will tell you my answer now: BITE ME! I finally have been able to get back in touch with my soul and with the Goddess I follow, so far she hasn't yelled at me, in fact I feel like I am closer to her than I have been in years. I will still write and create more formal rituals, but every once in a while I think I will invite the Goddess over to watch some Cher and have a glass of wine with me!
Yours Humbly
The Redneck Pagan
I wish I could say that I handled the past few months well, but I really didn't. I cried a lot, and I don't mean sweet, pretty crying you see on TV, I mean full out snotty bawling like a baby crying. I screamed a few times, I was mopy and cranky for days on end and spent many days just plain down in the dumps.I still owe a million thanks to my family and friends who stood by me during the past few months, I know I have not been easy to live with. Between the professional and personal issues I also ran into a huge crisis of faith where nothing made sense anymore. I tried to read books, cast spells and do some rituals but everything felt hollow and empty and made me feel more lost than when I had started.
While emotionally I was going through the wringer I have to admit that I went through the rest of my life on autopilot. I got up in the morning, painted a smile on my face, went to work, came home, broke down a little, went to bed and then started all over again the next day. None of my usual coping methods (journaling, stones, meditation, gardening, music) were working. I felt completely out of touch with myself. Naturally many things in my life fell by the wayside; this blog, my garden, keeping the house in shape and everything to do with my spirituality.
Fortunately our vacation came in time to save my bacon. Two days of driving to the coast and then five days staying on the beach, lounging and spending time with my family, followed by a two day drive home, really helped me to get the cobwebs shook loose. I began engaging in daily life again and started pulling myself out of my funk... but something was missing. I really didn't want to sink back into the hole I had just pulled myself out of so I knew I had to do something. Things at work were rather slow so I spent a bit of time pondering what to do. An then I had an idea. I mulled it over for a few minutes and then decided to try this novel idea as soon as I got home. My husband was working the late shift at his job.
When I got home I pulled out one of our collapsible tables and set it up next to my favorite chair in the living room. I placed a nice cloth over the table and placed the statue of my favorite Goddess on the table. I poured myself a glass of wine and poured a second glass for Her. I then put on a music DVD (Cher's Farewell Tour, seemed appropriate). I then focused on that Goddess for a few minutes and then lit a candle. I held Her glass of wine in front of the statue for a moment and asked her to join me for a glass of wine and to talk.
I sat there for a few minutes sipping my wine and looking at the statue, feeling kind of foolish and wondering if this madcap idea was really a good one. So I began to sing along with the DVD (and make the poor dog cringe). After a few minutes I started to talk a little... then I began to talk a lot. I talked about everything, about things from my childhood that had hurt me, about things I was so angry about (including how short I am, I mean I need a stool to get my mixing bowls down!). I talked about the last few months and how much they had hurt me. I talked about what I wanted to fix in my life, what I no longer wanted. In between I sang along with some of my favorite shows, let the dog out to escape my singing, made sarcastic comments and drank wine.
When it was almost time for my husband to come home I thanked the Goddess for her time, poured the wine out onto a tree in my yard and put everything in order. As I placed the statue back onto it's spot on our shrine I asked her if we could do this again sometime and went to make a quick supper. That night I went to bed and for the first time in months fell asleep right away. After not doing any rituals or anything remotely spiritual in months I had finally found a way to sooth my spirit.
It was the strangest ritual I have ever done. There were no real tools, no circle cast, no call to the directions or the elements. It followed no format and was completely unplanned, and yet it reached me deep down in my soul. Over the past few days I have been pondering about this and made some important realizations.
First and foremost was that I had stopped listening to myself. I was so focused on the outwards aspects of my life that I had not stopped to take the time to sooth my soul. When I did notice that I was out of sorts I tried following the rituals laid out by others, which failed miserably. I realized that I had focused way to much on the outward form, trying to do an "appropriate ritual" that I had lost the whole point of rituals... getting in touch with the divine. My focus was so much on what the right candles to use were that I forgot how to connect to the divine. I was working so hard on being religious that I had forgotten how to be spiritual. And finally it reminded me that the everyday things in our lives can be magical tools of transformation.
I'm sure somebody reading this will cringe that I would dare to approach a Goddess in such a manner, and to save them the trouble of sending me the scathing email I will tell you my answer now: BITE ME! I finally have been able to get back in touch with my soul and with the Goddess I follow, so far she hasn't yelled at me, in fact I feel like I am closer to her than I have been in years. I will still write and create more formal rituals, but every once in a while I think I will invite the Goddess over to watch some Cher and have a glass of wine with me!
Yours Humbly
The Redneck Pagan
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