Welcome to part two. Last time we
were talking about the reasons why one would leave a Pagan group. As you may
recall there are many reasons, some very serious threats to mental and physical
well being such as incidents of abuse or assault. Others leaned towards the
more mundane (and most common) such as job or family commitments, changes
within the group structure, changes in your own path and just plain growing
apart. So for the sake of this article let's say you have joined a group and
are now ready to leave, what do you do? Well I would have to say that it will
depend on the reason why you are leaving. There is no "one size fits
all" solution to this.
Let's start with the most serious
case, you have been sexually or physically assaulted by a member of the group.
There are a few options available for you, but my advice in every case is run!
Get out of the situation, get away from the abuser right now. The very next
thing you must do is go to the Police. Not an easy thing to do but that person
has committed a crime and will do it again if not stopped. Criminal behaviour
is habitual, meaning that people who assault you are far more likely to have
done it before and will not stop until we as a society step in and stop them.
This is why we created laws and law enforcement in the first place.
I would also advise that once you are safely away from the abuser you inform the other members of the group about this abuse, you might not be the only one, and the leaders of the group must be made aware of this person. I am not a fan of keeping something this serious hush hush between you and one or two other people, this is a situation that calls on lots and lots of sunlight to disinfect it. Any group worth the wands they are waving would immediately step up to resolve the problem. If they do not then you do not want to give these people your trust! And in the case of the greater Pagan community I would wait and see what the rest of the group does, then if you are asked and are comfortable sharing some of your experiences do so, this will keep other safe!
After you have left the group, gone to the police and told the rest of the group why you left it's all over, right. Well not really, trauma like that does not go away overnight. This was never once your fault, but it’s hard to forget it and how it makes us feel. In cases of assault I cannot stress the importance of seeing a professional Psychologist or Psychiatrist, especially one that specializes in victims of trauma. These people will be able to help you process this event and find your way to healing. Take the time to find the right therapist for you, some therapy techniques may not match your needs. I would also recommend that you consider doing some rituals, and due to the nature of this event I strongly advise you get a trusted Pagan friend to help you with this.
The first ritual would be a good cord cutting ritual to rid yourself of any psychic ties you hold to the group and this individual. From there cleansing and grounding rituals to help cleanse yourself and help you keep your feet on the ground. At some point in time you may feel the need to do a ritual of release. Again get a friend to help you here. A great resource on rituals I have found is Steven Farmer's "Sacred Ceremony: How to Create Ceremonies for Healing, Transitions, and Celebrations". Mr. Farmer has a background in Shamanism and Psychology and I personally found this book to be a valuable tool in my ritual arsenal.
As for the groups that seem to have some shady dealings, such as the pressure to be at every event, the "you are so dumb you’re lucky we took you in", disappearing group money trick, or the "you must do the Great Rite with me to advance in your training" trick are another batch to run like heck away from. This one is a bit more of a murky group to leave. There is often either no criminal activity, or it is so veiled that it is really hard to see it, and even harder to prove it. This one has no real clear answers as to what to do when you leave it.
If you are suspect their activities are criminal then take whatever evidence you have to the police. They have the investigative abilities to look into the matter further and the experience to determine if there is criminal activity. If the activities are not criminal but make you incredibly uncomfortable get up and leave, and do not look back. Once again do a battery of cord cutting rituals and cleansing rituals. This is another case where you might also want to look into seeing a Psychologist or other counselor. Even though this is a less serious case than an assault, it is still a serious breach of trust and will make you feel very hurt and vulnerable. Again a good licensed therapist is trained to help you work through these issues.
I would still advise that you tell the members of the group why you left, with either a letter or an email. They have a right to know why you could not longer stay and again you might not be the only one who is having these problems. Outside of the group is where things get dicey. My personal advice would be that if you have some pagan friends you trust you can let them know. If others who you are unsure of ask you can very easily say "I was very uncomfortable with the way things were running and so I left". Its up to you if you want to speak further or not. This area is a fine line because it has the potential to save others from harm, or it can open the floodgates to harassment to you. You are going to have to decide if the level of harm you are keeping people from will outweigh the harm that you could be exposing yourself to.
In the case of the group changing their dynamics or their focus and it no longer lines up with your personal motivations, morals or direction feel free to gracefully bow out. This also goes for if you are having to move. Go to the leaders of the group and tell them honestly that because of the proposed (or actual) changes that the group is going with it no longer lines up with your spiritual goals and directions and therefore you resign (or conversely you can state that "because of the changes in my living and/or work situation I can no longer live up to the commitments and needs of the group and therefore I wish to resign"). Tell them that you wish them well and if they ask you to return anything, such as books or tools that belong to the group do so politely.
Stay positive and friendly with the other members as you leave and be sure to thank them for the time and effort they spent working with you. . You will once again want to take the time to do some rituals to cleanse and cut the psychic ties to the group. This will free both sides to move forwards. You might even want to talk to the group about having some kind of a final ritual together to help both sides heal from the move forward.
Once you have exited give yourself a break! This is a very sad time in your life and treat yourself with kindness, give yourself time to grieve this loss. Do not join or form a new group right away, this is like going on a rebound date and that is not fair to you or the others in these groups. Also keep the secrets of the group you left, do not share their rituals and spells with every pagan you see on the street. These are still sacred to that group and doing this disrespects them and all the trust that you once shared with them. Continue to be respectful to the members and the group at all times.
Last, but not least, the group itself decides that it needs to fold. The first step obviously will be to make sure that this is a step your group really wants and really needs to make. Does the group want to completely dissolve and go their separate ways, or do they want to dissolve for a time and then reform with a new direction and focus? If you decide to completely dissolve and go your separate ways just not decide this at a meeting and then all walk away! This is going to cause you more headaches than it's worth. All your ties to the group, as well as the group identity you have created are still going to be there, so you need to shut this down and cut your ties. As a group design a closing ritual where you lay the group identity to rest, gently cut your magical ties to each other and take the time to say whatever you want to say (respectfully of course). Once again do not join a new group for some time, let yourself grieve properly and take the time to practice your own way and reaffirm your personal connection to the Gods you follow.
If the group decides to stand back up in a different format still have the closing and cord cutting ritual to make sure that you are not brining the old group into the new. After this ritual decide as a group a time in the future to meet. Give yourselves a few months to make sure that there is a clean break from the old group. After this time has passed meet together to decide how you want this new group to run, and make sure it is completely different from the first group. You closed down that first group for a reason, don't start up as if nothing has happened!
The bottom line is that leaving any group is hard, it takes an emotional toll on anybody. You need to take the time to do whatever you need to do to heal. You want to make sure you cut the psychic ties you have to the old group and thoroughly cleanse yourself so that you are able to move forwards with a fresh start. Finally the biggest step is going to be mentally, you have to want to heal and move forwards in order for any of this to be successful. You have to want to take whatever steps necessary to move forwards and be successful in your magical life.
Yours Humbly
The Redneck Pagan
I would also advise that once you are safely away from the abuser you inform the other members of the group about this abuse, you might not be the only one, and the leaders of the group must be made aware of this person. I am not a fan of keeping something this serious hush hush between you and one or two other people, this is a situation that calls on lots and lots of sunlight to disinfect it. Any group worth the wands they are waving would immediately step up to resolve the problem. If they do not then you do not want to give these people your trust! And in the case of the greater Pagan community I would wait and see what the rest of the group does, then if you are asked and are comfortable sharing some of your experiences do so, this will keep other safe!
After you have left the group, gone to the police and told the rest of the group why you left it's all over, right. Well not really, trauma like that does not go away overnight. This was never once your fault, but it’s hard to forget it and how it makes us feel. In cases of assault I cannot stress the importance of seeing a professional Psychologist or Psychiatrist, especially one that specializes in victims of trauma. These people will be able to help you process this event and find your way to healing. Take the time to find the right therapist for you, some therapy techniques may not match your needs. I would also recommend that you consider doing some rituals, and due to the nature of this event I strongly advise you get a trusted Pagan friend to help you with this.
The first ritual would be a good cord cutting ritual to rid yourself of any psychic ties you hold to the group and this individual. From there cleansing and grounding rituals to help cleanse yourself and help you keep your feet on the ground. At some point in time you may feel the need to do a ritual of release. Again get a friend to help you here. A great resource on rituals I have found is Steven Farmer's "Sacred Ceremony: How to Create Ceremonies for Healing, Transitions, and Celebrations". Mr. Farmer has a background in Shamanism and Psychology and I personally found this book to be a valuable tool in my ritual arsenal.
As for the groups that seem to have some shady dealings, such as the pressure to be at every event, the "you are so dumb you’re lucky we took you in", disappearing group money trick, or the "you must do the Great Rite with me to advance in your training" trick are another batch to run like heck away from. This one is a bit more of a murky group to leave. There is often either no criminal activity, or it is so veiled that it is really hard to see it, and even harder to prove it. This one has no real clear answers as to what to do when you leave it.
If you are suspect their activities are criminal then take whatever evidence you have to the police. They have the investigative abilities to look into the matter further and the experience to determine if there is criminal activity. If the activities are not criminal but make you incredibly uncomfortable get up and leave, and do not look back. Once again do a battery of cord cutting rituals and cleansing rituals. This is another case where you might also want to look into seeing a Psychologist or other counselor. Even though this is a less serious case than an assault, it is still a serious breach of trust and will make you feel very hurt and vulnerable. Again a good licensed therapist is trained to help you work through these issues.
I would still advise that you tell the members of the group why you left, with either a letter or an email. They have a right to know why you could not longer stay and again you might not be the only one who is having these problems. Outside of the group is where things get dicey. My personal advice would be that if you have some pagan friends you trust you can let them know. If others who you are unsure of ask you can very easily say "I was very uncomfortable with the way things were running and so I left". Its up to you if you want to speak further or not. This area is a fine line because it has the potential to save others from harm, or it can open the floodgates to harassment to you. You are going to have to decide if the level of harm you are keeping people from will outweigh the harm that you could be exposing yourself to.
In the case of the group changing their dynamics or their focus and it no longer lines up with your personal motivations, morals or direction feel free to gracefully bow out. This also goes for if you are having to move. Go to the leaders of the group and tell them honestly that because of the proposed (or actual) changes that the group is going with it no longer lines up with your spiritual goals and directions and therefore you resign (or conversely you can state that "because of the changes in my living and/or work situation I can no longer live up to the commitments and needs of the group and therefore I wish to resign"). Tell them that you wish them well and if they ask you to return anything, such as books or tools that belong to the group do so politely.
Stay positive and friendly with the other members as you leave and be sure to thank them for the time and effort they spent working with you. . You will once again want to take the time to do some rituals to cleanse and cut the psychic ties to the group. This will free both sides to move forwards. You might even want to talk to the group about having some kind of a final ritual together to help both sides heal from the move forward.
Once you have exited give yourself a break! This is a very sad time in your life and treat yourself with kindness, give yourself time to grieve this loss. Do not join or form a new group right away, this is like going on a rebound date and that is not fair to you or the others in these groups. Also keep the secrets of the group you left, do not share their rituals and spells with every pagan you see on the street. These are still sacred to that group and doing this disrespects them and all the trust that you once shared with them. Continue to be respectful to the members and the group at all times.
Last, but not least, the group itself decides that it needs to fold. The first step obviously will be to make sure that this is a step your group really wants and really needs to make. Does the group want to completely dissolve and go their separate ways, or do they want to dissolve for a time and then reform with a new direction and focus? If you decide to completely dissolve and go your separate ways just not decide this at a meeting and then all walk away! This is going to cause you more headaches than it's worth. All your ties to the group, as well as the group identity you have created are still going to be there, so you need to shut this down and cut your ties. As a group design a closing ritual where you lay the group identity to rest, gently cut your magical ties to each other and take the time to say whatever you want to say (respectfully of course). Once again do not join a new group for some time, let yourself grieve properly and take the time to practice your own way and reaffirm your personal connection to the Gods you follow.
If the group decides to stand back up in a different format still have the closing and cord cutting ritual to make sure that you are not brining the old group into the new. After this ritual decide as a group a time in the future to meet. Give yourselves a few months to make sure that there is a clean break from the old group. After this time has passed meet together to decide how you want this new group to run, and make sure it is completely different from the first group. You closed down that first group for a reason, don't start up as if nothing has happened!
The bottom line is that leaving any group is hard, it takes an emotional toll on anybody. You need to take the time to do whatever you need to do to heal. You want to make sure you cut the psychic ties you have to the old group and thoroughly cleanse yourself so that you are able to move forwards with a fresh start. Finally the biggest step is going to be mentally, you have to want to heal and move forwards in order for any of this to be successful. You have to want to take whatever steps necessary to move forwards and be successful in your magical life.
Yours Humbly
The Redneck Pagan
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