So the mission of the day is to do I build something of beauty and reverence
without becoming an arrogant asshole... Fuck. How do I do that?
Having never built a spiritual system for myself, or for anyone else for that matter, had me feeling lost all over again. I mean I certainly did not want to create a meaningless piece of fluff that will linger for a millennia as a stinking piece of shit in the collective garble that is the internet (or the pile of notebooks around the house). I also have no interest in creating something that is going to amass a pile of brainless sheep… I mean followers. I want to create something that is intensely personal, something I can connect to that will help my soul sing. But again where do I start!?! Not to mention the fact that it is an utterly terrifying endeavor. It would be baring my soul in a way I have never done and taking full responsibility for everything I believed in, and in a manner I have never done before. It seems like such a crushing task that had me wanting to run away and forget the whole damn thing.
Enter a wonderful Druid who’s writing I admire: John Beckett. I was browsing through his excellent blog on Patheos when I stumbled across this post he wrote: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnbeckett/2015/07/5-reasons-you-cant-find-the-right-spiritual-path.html
I devoured this marvelous gem of wisdom. I even printed it off and numbered each of the questions he had listed and began to examine each one carefully before thoughtfully answering each one for myself in my journal. I’m not going to lie; some of those questions were damn hard to answer.
Some of the questions I could answer right away where as others I had to sit down and really throw the idea around in my mind a couple hundred times to bore down to what my heart was telling me. There were other questions that forced me to face a few things about myself that I had conveniently been ignoring for a bit too long. For example I know a huge part of the reason I first came to paganism was running away from some hurts caused by organized religion in the past. I’m also rather guilty of #3 at times, being a bit of an A type personality and at times it has caused unnecessary heartaches, headaches and attacks of uncalled for bitchiness.
Granted there were some things that I wasn’t totally in agreement with. I have tried more than once to throw myself into a religious practice and for more than a year for them. I find the structure to be stifling to my spirit, however I do appreciate the lessons that these structures have offered. I also recognize that when I first started out I needed the structure to orient myself and begin the process of learning about what different religions have to offer. However, at the end of the day I believe that the conversation between your soul and the divine is an intensely private one and while religion helps build community, the communion of the soul is nobody’s fucking business.
So as I sat down and pondered the list, responding to the questions, re-thinking them and re-responding to them I came to some important realizations about the core of what I value. LIFE. I value life, in all its shapes and forms, in all its glory and all its horrors. I believe that every life matters and is something that is worthy of respect. I believe that every life matters, from myself, to a dog, to a tree to a deer to an insect (although I very begrudgingly accept wasps and mosquitos… from a distance). I believe every life is a unique piece of the universe.
At the same time, I also understand that in order to exist, life must feed on life. The cow eats the grass, I eat the cow, upon my death bacteria and insects will eat me, which will feed the grass to feed the cow again. The taking of any life, plant or animal, should be done with an understanding and reverence and not needlessly. And we as an animal species are not exempt from this. My family serves in the military, and I know I have family members who have taken a human life to preserve the lives of others. So I understand at times the ending of a life is needed, but not something that should be handled lightly (in the case of my family the bear the scars of their service in their hearts to this day).
I’m nowhere close to figuring it all out, I have miles to go as I sort out where the jumble in my mind fits on this windy path I am weaving. But at least I feel as if I have good boots on my feet and a lamp to light the way. I’m still a little afraid of the road ahead as I blaze this new trail but to quote John Wayne: “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” Time to saddle up.
Having never built a spiritual system for myself, or for anyone else for that matter, had me feeling lost all over again. I mean I certainly did not want to create a meaningless piece of fluff that will linger for a millennia as a stinking piece of shit in the collective garble that is the internet (or the pile of notebooks around the house). I also have no interest in creating something that is going to amass a pile of brainless sheep… I mean followers. I want to create something that is intensely personal, something I can connect to that will help my soul sing. But again where do I start!?! Not to mention the fact that it is an utterly terrifying endeavor. It would be baring my soul in a way I have never done and taking full responsibility for everything I believed in, and in a manner I have never done before. It seems like such a crushing task that had me wanting to run away and forget the whole damn thing.
Enter a wonderful Druid who’s writing I admire: John Beckett. I was browsing through his excellent blog on Patheos when I stumbled across this post he wrote: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnbeckett/2015/07/5-reasons-you-cant-find-the-right-spiritual-path.html
I devoured this marvelous gem of wisdom. I even printed it off and numbered each of the questions he had listed and began to examine each one carefully before thoughtfully answering each one for myself in my journal. I’m not going to lie; some of those questions were damn hard to answer.
Some of the questions I could answer right away where as others I had to sit down and really throw the idea around in my mind a couple hundred times to bore down to what my heart was telling me. There were other questions that forced me to face a few things about myself that I had conveniently been ignoring for a bit too long. For example I know a huge part of the reason I first came to paganism was running away from some hurts caused by organized religion in the past. I’m also rather guilty of #3 at times, being a bit of an A type personality and at times it has caused unnecessary heartaches, headaches and attacks of uncalled for bitchiness.
Granted there were some things that I wasn’t totally in agreement with. I have tried more than once to throw myself into a religious practice and for more than a year for them. I find the structure to be stifling to my spirit, however I do appreciate the lessons that these structures have offered. I also recognize that when I first started out I needed the structure to orient myself and begin the process of learning about what different religions have to offer. However, at the end of the day I believe that the conversation between your soul and the divine is an intensely private one and while religion helps build community, the communion of the soul is nobody’s fucking business.
So as I sat down and pondered the list, responding to the questions, re-thinking them and re-responding to them I came to some important realizations about the core of what I value. LIFE. I value life, in all its shapes and forms, in all its glory and all its horrors. I believe that every life matters and is something that is worthy of respect. I believe that every life matters, from myself, to a dog, to a tree to a deer to an insect (although I very begrudgingly accept wasps and mosquitos… from a distance). I believe every life is a unique piece of the universe.
At the same time, I also understand that in order to exist, life must feed on life. The cow eats the grass, I eat the cow, upon my death bacteria and insects will eat me, which will feed the grass to feed the cow again. The taking of any life, plant or animal, should be done with an understanding and reverence and not needlessly. And we as an animal species are not exempt from this. My family serves in the military, and I know I have family members who have taken a human life to preserve the lives of others. So I understand at times the ending of a life is needed, but not something that should be handled lightly (in the case of my family the bear the scars of their service in their hearts to this day).
I’m nowhere close to figuring it all out, I have miles to go as I sort out where the jumble in my mind fits on this windy path I am weaving. But at least I feel as if I have good boots on my feet and a lamp to light the way. I’m still a little afraid of the road ahead as I blaze this new trail but to quote John Wayne: “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” Time to saddle up.
