So as this year is drawing to a close I seem to have an extreme case of writers block (actually it would be more like blogger's block wouldn't it) but I digress... As I mentioned earlier this week we have had an illness in my family, well its bad, palliative illness actually. We have been at the hospital every day for two weeks with her, my mother in law. It has been very hard on all of us, but especially my husband, who in addition to seeing his mother deteriorate, has been taking on the burden of being the contact person between the hospital and the family. I have been trying hard to support him, but fear I may be falling short.
I really have no excuse to be falling short in this case, my mother passed away years ago and I know how hard it is to loose your mom. There are no other words for it, it sucks. I am not the one having to make all the phone calls to the various family members. I am not the one who has to get all the final instructions from her, nor am I the one who has to talk to the doctors and nurses regarding her condition. I have the easier side of this, I am with him as much as I can be, holding his hand, hugging him, and telling him that I love him and am at his side, whatever he needs.
So again, no excuse. But I find my emotions have been fluctuating lately. I am finding myself with an overwhelming sense of sorrow at this. I get along well with her, she is a very nice, down to earth woman. I know it must have been hard on her to hear her son was getting divorced, and then shortly afterwards that he was dating a woman younger than he was. She did not have to welcome me into the home or the family, but she did. She treated me like one of the brood right from day one. At a time when I was feeling very insecure about my place in this family she made me one of them and put my fears aside within minutes of the first family get together I attended.
I find myself feeling resentful, resentful that this is happening to her, and not to some other individual I know who has been much less kind and compassionate to me and my loved ones. I resent that my husband has to shoulder such an enormous burden, and that it hurts him so. That resentment ties heavily into my anger, anger at the doctors for not being able to cure her illness, anger at her genetics since this disease has taken many other family members. I am angry at her body for betraying her (its funny how one can not be angry at the person, but can be very angry at their physical form. I am not angry at her as I know this is not what she wanted, but I am angry at her body for allowing this disease to happen). I am angry at myself for all this anger.
Nobody can help what has happened, and nothing I can do or say will change it. I have prayed much in the past few months since we found out she was ill, asking for it to go away, asking for the cure to be found, but I cannot pray this away. I am at a point, as we all are, that I have to accept this course, and I do not like it. I just want to yell and to scream, punch somebody in the face (although who I do not know). I want to shake the doctors over and over again and yell at them that its not fair. Although it would do me no good, for they are as saddened by this as I am.
The doctors and nurses have all been angels of compassion from day one. They took the time to get to know my mother in law, what she wanted as treatment options, what she needed. They have been there every step of the way, holding her hand, explaining things in a manner that somebody as simple as I am can understand. They have been fighting this illness with her from day one for over 20 years with her. And when we had to admit her to the hospital, they took every step that they could, did everything that was within their power to help her. Even now, while I sit warm in bed there are nurses checking in with her, making sure she is not in pain, holding her hand when she needs it.
Throughout the past few weeks I have had lots of thoughts going through my mind, lots of things I have been mulling over. I have been thinking a lot about my views on death and dying these past few weeks. And about how scared I am for my husband, his father passed on two and a half years ago from this illness, now it is waiting to claim his mother. I am feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how much I will miss her, and feeling sad that my husband has such pain and sorrow on his hands. Between that and feeling stressed I have not been the most pleasant person to be around, and my poor husband, who already has the weight of the world on his shoulders, has had to put up with a moody me. At a time when he needs me to be there for him, I am afraid I am falling short.
So with all that going on, I am afraid I have hit a case of bloggers block. The ideas I have jotted down on notebooks and on half typed on this blog have been left sitting there, I just cannot seem to get them finished at this time. For now my attention is focused on being the person my husband needs at his side, and supporting the family to the very best of my abilities.
Wishing you all a Blessed Holiday Season and a Happy New Year.
Yours Humbly
The Redneck Pagan
I really have no excuse to be falling short in this case, my mother passed away years ago and I know how hard it is to loose your mom. There are no other words for it, it sucks. I am not the one having to make all the phone calls to the various family members. I am not the one who has to get all the final instructions from her, nor am I the one who has to talk to the doctors and nurses regarding her condition. I have the easier side of this, I am with him as much as I can be, holding his hand, hugging him, and telling him that I love him and am at his side, whatever he needs.
So again, no excuse. But I find my emotions have been fluctuating lately. I am finding myself with an overwhelming sense of sorrow at this. I get along well with her, she is a very nice, down to earth woman. I know it must have been hard on her to hear her son was getting divorced, and then shortly afterwards that he was dating a woman younger than he was. She did not have to welcome me into the home or the family, but she did. She treated me like one of the brood right from day one. At a time when I was feeling very insecure about my place in this family she made me one of them and put my fears aside within minutes of the first family get together I attended.
I find myself feeling resentful, resentful that this is happening to her, and not to some other individual I know who has been much less kind and compassionate to me and my loved ones. I resent that my husband has to shoulder such an enormous burden, and that it hurts him so. That resentment ties heavily into my anger, anger at the doctors for not being able to cure her illness, anger at her genetics since this disease has taken many other family members. I am angry at her body for betraying her (its funny how one can not be angry at the person, but can be very angry at their physical form. I am not angry at her as I know this is not what she wanted, but I am angry at her body for allowing this disease to happen). I am angry at myself for all this anger.
Nobody can help what has happened, and nothing I can do or say will change it. I have prayed much in the past few months since we found out she was ill, asking for it to go away, asking for the cure to be found, but I cannot pray this away. I am at a point, as we all are, that I have to accept this course, and I do not like it. I just want to yell and to scream, punch somebody in the face (although who I do not know). I want to shake the doctors over and over again and yell at them that its not fair. Although it would do me no good, for they are as saddened by this as I am.
The doctors and nurses have all been angels of compassion from day one. They took the time to get to know my mother in law, what she wanted as treatment options, what she needed. They have been there every step of the way, holding her hand, explaining things in a manner that somebody as simple as I am can understand. They have been fighting this illness with her from day one for over 20 years with her. And when we had to admit her to the hospital, they took every step that they could, did everything that was within their power to help her. Even now, while I sit warm in bed there are nurses checking in with her, making sure she is not in pain, holding her hand when she needs it.
Throughout the past few weeks I have had lots of thoughts going through my mind, lots of things I have been mulling over. I have been thinking a lot about my views on death and dying these past few weeks. And about how scared I am for my husband, his father passed on two and a half years ago from this illness, now it is waiting to claim his mother. I am feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how much I will miss her, and feeling sad that my husband has such pain and sorrow on his hands. Between that and feeling stressed I have not been the most pleasant person to be around, and my poor husband, who already has the weight of the world on his shoulders, has had to put up with a moody me. At a time when he needs me to be there for him, I am afraid I am falling short.
So with all that going on, I am afraid I have hit a case of bloggers block. The ideas I have jotted down on notebooks and on half typed on this blog have been left sitting there, I just cannot seem to get them finished at this time. For now my attention is focused on being the person my husband needs at his side, and supporting the family to the very best of my abilities.
Wishing you all a Blessed Holiday Season and a Happy New Year.
Yours Humbly
The Redneck Pagan
