Writers Block

So as this year is drawing to a close I seem to have an extreme case of writers block (actually it would be more like blogger's block wouldn't it) but I digress... As I mentioned earlier this week we have had an illness in my family, well its bad, palliative illness actually. We have been at the hospital every day for two weeks with her, my mother in law. It has been very hard on all of us, but especially my husband, who in addition to seeing his mother deteriorate, has been taking on the burden of being the contact person between the hospital and the family. I have been trying hard to support him, but fear I may be falling short.

I really have no excuse to be falling short in this case, my mother passed away years ago and I know how hard it is to loose your mom. There are no other words for it, it sucks. I am not the one having to make all the phone calls to the various family members. I am not the one who has to get all the final instructions from her, nor am I the one who has to talk to the doctors and nurses regarding her condition. I have the easier side of this, I am with him as much as I can be, holding his hand, hugging him, and telling him that I love him and am at his side, whatever he needs.

So again, no excuse. But I find my emotions have been fluctuating lately. I am finding myself with an overwhelming sense of sorrow at this. I get along well with her, she is a very nice, down to earth woman. I know it must have been hard on her to hear her son was getting divorced, and then shortly afterwards that he was dating a woman younger than he was. She did not have to welcome me into the home or the family, but she did. She treated me like one of the brood right from day one. At a time when I was feeling very insecure about my place in this family she made me one of them and put my fears aside within minutes of the first family get together I attended.

I find myself feeling resentful, resentful that this is happening to her, and not to some other individual I know who has been much less kind and compassionate to me and my loved ones. I resent that my husband has to shoulder such an enormous burden, and that it hurts him so. That resentment ties heavily into my anger, anger at the doctors for not being able to cure her illness, anger at her genetics since this disease has taken many other family members. I am angry at her body for betraying her (its funny how one can not be angry at the person, but can be very angry at their physical form. I am not angry at her as I know this is not what she wanted, but I am angry at her body for allowing this disease to happen). I am angry at myself for all this anger.

Nobody can help what has happened, and nothing I can do or say will change it. I have prayed much in the past few months since we found out she was ill, asking for it to go away, asking for the cure to be found, but I cannot pray this away. I am at a point, as we all are, that I have to accept this course, and I do not like it. I just want to yell and to scream, punch somebody in the face (although who I do not know). I want to shake the doctors over and over again and yell at them that its not fair. Although it would do me no good, for they are as saddened by this as I am.

The doctors and nurses have all been angels of compassion from day one. They took the time to get to know my mother in law, what she wanted as treatment options, what she needed. They have been there every step of the way, holding her hand, explaining things in a manner that somebody as simple as I am can understand. They have been fighting this illness with her from day one for over 20 years with her. And when we had to admit her to the hospital, they took every step that they could, did everything that was within their power to help her. Even now, while I sit warm in bed there are nurses checking in with her, making sure she is not in pain, holding her hand when she needs it.

Throughout the past few weeks I have had lots of thoughts going through my mind, lots of things I have been mulling over. I have been thinking a lot about my views on death and dying these past few weeks. And about how scared I am for my husband, his father passed on two and a half years ago from this illness, now it is waiting to claim his mother. I am feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how much I will miss her, and feeling sad that my husband has such pain and sorrow on his hands.  Between that and feeling stressed I have not been the most pleasant person to be around, and my poor husband, who already has the weight of the world on his shoulders, has had to put up with a moody me. At a time when he needs me to be there for him, I am afraid I am falling short.

So with all that going on, I am afraid I have hit a case of bloggers block. The ideas I have jotted down on notebooks and on half typed on this blog have been left sitting there, I just cannot seem to get them finished at this time. For now my attention is focused on being the person my husband needs at his side, and supporting the family to the very best of my abilities.

Wishing you all a Blessed Holiday Season and a Happy New Year.

Yours Humbly

The Redneck Pagan

 

An Apology

 Just to give a small update: I apologize for the lack of recent posts. We have had an illness in the family and my time has been redirected to caring for my family. I am chipping away at a few ideas and hope to have something soon.

Thank you.

Yours Humbly

The Redneck Pagan

Welcoming the Winter… Begrudgingly.

Well it is very much official that winter is here in Alberta! The season has been making itself known for a while here. We were blessed with a long and lazy summer. Even by mid September we had bright sunny days, and the leaves had barely shifted colour. Some had started the process by early October, when over the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend we had some snow flurries and a few chilly days. Things warmed up again for a while, then the week before Samhain we got hit with snow, freezing  rains here and there, a full week of ice fog and freezing cold nights. Then on Samhain itself it snowed, and it really snowed, at my house I had at least two inches to shovel through. My newly purchased winter tires (with many thanks and love to my husband who made sure I had them) got a real workout the same day they were put on my car!

It felt like we did not have a fall at all. The leaves on my Rowan and apple trees have now turned brown and are being blown off when the wind decides to give us a good blast, but they never really turned. I had not had the chance to get the fallen crabapples up off the ground from where they fell, my garden was nowhere near ready for this sudden dump of snow, and I have to be honest, neither was I! Being sick with a nasty cold this past week I have been keeping myself thoroughly buried under the blankets and trying my best to do that “lalalala, if I can’t see you, then you don’t exist” routine. I also was rather miserable at having only a week or two of my favorite season (Autumn) to enjoy. However, no matter how hard I tried, winter is not going to go away for a while (especially here in Central Alberta).

A few days ago we were blessed with a bright day where the temperature made it as high as 5 degrees Celsius! (Some people from warmer climates are probably going to think I am crazy for calling that a high temperature!) I had the day off work and decided not to waste the day. I opened all our windows to air out the house before we had to “batten down the hatches” again. I did some housework (actually a lot of housework, after being sick for a week it really piled up!) sweeping, vacuuming and mopping the floors. For wedding present my husband and I used a gift card to buy a steam mop, what a blessed invention that is!!! Two cups of water with in it and the floors are beautify clean and sanitized without any heavy chemicals! I used peppermint oil in my oil lamp and moved it in each room as I cleaned, for protection and purification! Between that and the sunshine beaming into the house I could feel the entire energy of the house, and my own, lift!

When the sun had softened up the snow I tackled our driveway with a shovel. While taking one of my many breathers (snow is heavy and I really need to get in shape!) I looked across into the fields near my house and watched two foxes playing a game of chase and evade in the field. They ran after one another, jumping onto each other, rolling in the snow and bounding around! It was an absolute delight to see. I then moved to our uncovered deck to get the snow off. As I shoveled and rested I looked into the yard and saw our puppy engaging in a new game, our puppy (well she is now a year old, but it takes almost two years for dogs to grow out of the puppy brain) was having a treasure hunt in the snow. Digging down and finding the crabapples that I had not been able to gather under the snow. She pulled them up, throwing them in the air and chasing to where they landed. She then raced around the yard with it; diving head first into larger snow drifts every chance she got! She rolled in the snow and when she got tired she would gobble a mouthful of snow, and eat her apple.

As the sun began to slip out of the sky the temperature dropped, reminding me that even though it was a warm sunny day, we are in the dark half of the year. Taking a reluctant puppy inside with me I tackled making some supper and placed it in the oven to finish cooking. I went to the fireplace and lit a fire with some nice cedar firewood my husband’s mom had let us take from her backyard. I threw in a pinch of salt and a few sage leaves and then sat, enjoying the warmth of the fire while waiting for my husband to come home. As I sat I reflect how nice it was to have a day at home to get caught up.

I then began to think of the past few weeks, of the cold and the snow, and the nasty roads we had to endure! I then thought of the foxes playing in the snow, and the puppy’s mad cap sport through the yard. I let my tired muscles relax as I rested and thought of all the farmland around my house, resting like I was after all the activity of the summer. The fields that had been tilled, seeded, supported the growth of their crops and then harvested are now silent and still. The earth, the creatures in the earth such as the earthworms, soil nutrients and bacteria’s, all granted a respite brought on by the snow.

I also began to think of my garden, all the great things that came out of it… and the long hours of backbreaking work I put into it! Since harvesting (thank Goddess I got that done before the snow flew) I have not done any gardening asides from keeping my poor houseplants alive. I thought about how it was nice to not have to weed, or mow the lawn anymore. I thought of long nights cuddling by the fire with the pets and my husband, about all the reading I want to get done over the winter, the big Yule dinner I am planning on hosting (our first Yule in the new house and first time hosting!!!!). I also planned a few changes in my pagan room, and the sorting and organizing and clearing out of clutter I plan on undertaking while the snow flies.

I also noticed how much my thoughts have been turning within. Examining myself, my motivations, and actions. Not always a pretty sight when one reflects on the times one has lost her temper, or not been as kind as she could have been. I looked a bit at some of my reactions to things, at some of the anger I have been holding onto that has not made me the most pleasant person to be around (and how lucky I am that my husband puts up with the moodiness I sometimes toss out). I planned out the basic bones of some cleansing and releasing rituals I want to work on over the next few weeks and some changes I want to make within.

Sitting there, beside the glow of the fire, with content puppies snoozing at my feet and my cat purring in my lap, I began to understand the need for winter, the need for the cold. I understood the blessings that the winter has bestowed upon me and the opportunities that the dark time of year has granted me. I am still not thrilled at the shoveling, or having to scrape the windshield every day. And I am not liking the taking extra time to drive home, and having to bundle up just to look out the door. But I welcome the winter… begrudgingly.

 Yours Humbly

The Redneck Pagan