Exploring Lost - Considering Options

As I sit around, lingering in lost land I realize that I am at a turning point. I have explored some of the feelings I have had about being lost, how I got to this point, some of the ideas I have been clinging too that are most certainly not helping me. Now I find I have reached a point where I feel the need to start considering my options. I sat down over the last few days and drafted for myself a list of choices I have before me, along with the Pro’s and Con’s of each choice.

When I first realized I was lost I did not seem to have this ability. I found my thinking was seriously impaired, I found myself walking through a fog filled with sorrow, disappointment and despair. Now that I have taken some time to think, write and calm myself down I can feel the fog lifting and a few choices are clear to me. I think it would be wise for me to take a few moments and look at each of these options before blindly pitching myself into one of these directions. From where I sit the paths I can chose are:

·         Stay lost

·         Get apathetic about religion and spirituality (Essentially say Fuck it)

·         Decide to be an atheist

·         Pick a religion and throw myself into it

·         Other

So in examining the first option, to Stay Lost, there are some remarkably solid reasons to stick with it. The first is that it requires minimum decision making on my behalf. I just do not move. I don’t have to worry about the consequences of the other decisions as I have already discovered what being lost is like. Being lost is a bit on the easier side too. I mean if I’m lost no holy days to care about right? And despite the discomfort it has propelled me to think a lot more and explore points of view that a few years ago I never would have even considered. The cons for this choice is that it is not a comfortable place to be in as I have explained before. I find it hard to answer burning questions within myself about what I value and find sacred in the world around me if I stay spinning my wheels.

My second option is to be apathetic and just say fuck it to everything regarding spirituality and religion. This is another easy option for me. I once again don’t have to put too much work into it. It gives me a great deal of freedom to do what I want when I want without having to commit myself to any singular direction. And yet it is not a comfortable place either. Granted there are freedoms involved but there is something inside of me, a longing for the divine perhaps, perhaps the need to feel like there is meaning to this tiny existence on our big blue and green marble. The truth of it all is spirituality still is something that matters to me.

This pretty much decides the direction I need to go on the third option. Atheism does have its appealing points to me. Values based on the inherit worth of humanity as a whole rather than on a division of those who are right and wrong, plus the rational backing of scientific theory and principles are very attractive. And yet I find myself quoting Shakespeare here: “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy” (Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 5). Again the deep stiring in my soul for that which science has not yet been able to explain, along with some personal experiences that the only scientific explanation for is schizophrenia, makes atheism a less appealing choice. I am still far too drawn to mystery and magic, to Gods and Angels, Fairies and Spirits.

So seeing that Atheism is not the best fit for me the next choice is to pick a religion and practice it fully. This is not a bad option, it is in fact what I have done all my life. Starting with Catholocism into a few branches of Christianity, to Dianic Wicca, to Wicca to Celtic Paganism to Lost. This would give me a nice framework to reside within and a supportive community to answer my questions. On the other hand, I have found in each group I have belong to over the course of my life I eventually find myself stiffled and no closer to a connection with the divine. I'm also a stubborn pain in the ass that does not like to ben when soemthing seems wrong or off to me. If I don't feel it I tend to balk, not sure if that is a good thing or not. Mind you the decision to walk is an agonizing one and it's only when I really know deep in my soul that the practice or religion is making me starve.

To be honest, I am tiered of trying to fit into the correct mold. I am tiered of limits being placed on the expression of my spirit. I am tiered of the walls built to keep people out, or is it to keep people in. I'm tiered of the questions of "Am I doing this right?" "Am I enough of a (Witch/Pagan/Christian etc) ". I'm also tiered of peple who are trying to pigeon hole and classify me then try to keep me in that box. And I am tiered oftrying to fit my soul into a box. Perhaps I need another option. Perhaps its time I tear the walls around my soul down and let it take the lead for once.

June 6, 1944

Today in 1944 Operation Neptune commenced. Starting with the an airborne assault landing of 24,000 British, American and Canadian airborne troops shortly after ...midnight, and an amphibious landing. of Allied infantry and armoured divisions on the coast of France starting at 6:30 am. The landings took place along a 50-mile (80 km) stretch of the Normandy coast divided into five sectors: Utah, Omaha, Gold, Juno, and Sword.

At the end of the operation the Allied had gained a foothold in Europe. This landing would eventually lead to the Surrender of Nazi Germany, the Liberation of Europe, the rescue of millions of civilians and halted the expansion of Nazi Germany. the landings involved over 156 000 combatants of the Allied Forces, and at the end of the landings there were over 12 000 casualties

Please take a moment of silent reflection, and a prayer of thankfulness in honour of all the brave Men and Women of the Allied forces for launching the attack, and especially for the men that landed and through their sweat and blood our path to freedom.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old. Age shall not weary them, no the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them.

Exploring Lost - Religion Envy

Being lost when it comes to religion/spirituality is a really odd place to be in sometimes. On the one hand it’s driving you crazy. You feel kind of stupid and small, wandering around in circles. You spend time with people you know from those circles and some of what they say sinks in and feels right and true and like home… but then other things remind you of how alienated you are from your own spirit.  Not because they have said something wrong, but because they are so sure of themselves that it reminds you of how unsure you are.
I find the more I look around as I am lost the more I notice other people and their faiths. And, much to my chagrin, I have discovered that I am suffering from a horrific bout of Religion Envy. I don’t know if this is just me, or if this is something that is common to those that are lost. I could be the only freak out of this but it’s another aspect of being lost I find myself pondering within my heart.

As I have said before I grew up somewhat Christian with a very Catholic Grandmother. For part of my elementary and middle school I went to a Catholic school and occasionally attended mass. I still have a place in my heart for some parts of the Catholic faith system. I feel a strong tie to Mother Mary and I keep an old Rosary that my Grandmother used to teach me. I can still remember her showing me how to hold each bead, the Hail Mary’s and the Our Father’s. She had a tape with some soft music and a gentle voiced nun reciting the prayers that she gave me a copy of. I can still remember listening to it at night, my fingers on the beads until I slipped into sleep.

Looking back I find I have some envy in my heart towards Catholics. I envy their rituals, handed down for generations. I envy their great cathedrals. I remember as a teenager going to Montreal and seeing the Cathedral of Notra Dame. I remember the feeling of holiness as I walked in, a holiness created by the reverence and prayers of thousands. I remember being transfixed at the Altar to the Blessed Mary and seeing some of her titles (Mother of God, Our Lady of Mercy, Our Lady of Sorrows etc.). I couldn’t tell you how long I stood there until somebody in our group had to lead me out. I envy their history and they way in shaped the world I know today, good and bad. I still find much beauty in their path, although there is much I do not agree with.

In thinking on this envy I realize that I envy much of the Jewish Religion and culture as well. I envy their history and traditions, over six thousand years of traditions, cumulating in their own language. I envy their power of memory, their ability to keep the past alive and make it a lesson to their lives. I envy the fact that theirs is a whole culture built around a religion and I have heard of people being a cultural Jew, in that they are part of the culture without necessarily believing in the religious side.

I also find myself envious of some of the Muslim bloggers I read about. How certain they are in their faith, their devotion to prayer (5 times a day! Your lucky if I remember 5 times a week!). I envy their ability to put their trust in Allah and their utter conviction in the Koran and the life of The Prophet Mohammad. The surrender in the will of Allah must take a tremendous amount of trust and faith that I have never seemed to have.

Even in the Pagan community I find I envy a lot of people and groups. I envy the Gardenarians, for their history. I mean seriously, having Gerald Gardner and Doreen Valiente (especially Doreen Valiente) as your spiritual founders! Talk about magical/spiritual crush! I envy Goddess worshipers, their poetry alone has the power to steal my very breath as I read it. I envy those following a Norse path, there seems to be so many of them and right now the conversations are amazing! You have a whole bunch of intelligent and spiritual people going over the old literature and discussing how it still is relevant to people today, plus Iceland just opened the first full fledged temple to the ancient Gods. Can we seriously just pause for a moment to think about just how awesome this is! And of course the Druids, how can we not talk about the Druids? The bond they forge not only with the old Gods, but with the spirits of the land and the trees themselves. To be able to tune themselves into the trees, the water, the land upon which we stand. What sense of awe and reverence they must feel and how utterly grounded they must be when they step into the world.

The list I have of religion envy stretches on and on. The more new religions I read about, and the more I read of the faith and practices of their followers the more my envy grows. In each of these religions there is a solid foundation of traditions and writings going back centuries. They have established prayers that are adored and used the world over. Their churches, mosques and temples are beautiful in both design and the sense of community it gives their followers. I also find the utter devotion people have to be awe inspiring.

I always seem to be filled with doubt, with questions that burn into my soul and there is no water to quench it. I find more than anything else, I envy the peace in their hearts. Their ability to be close to the divine, the surety they have inside their souls. I know these are people just like me, with all their hopes and dreams, flaws and doubts. But they seem to have mastered something within themselves, and found something within their faiths that calms the storms within. While I have no desire to follow any of those paths, I still am haunted by the power they have for people.