So you may recall my last blog post was a bit of a confession in that when it comes to faith I am utterly lost. I really don’t have a fucking clue where the hell I am. It really upset me for a while. I mean I was actually losing sleep over this! And I have to be honest, I think it is a rather natural reaction. I mean think about it, you have no idea what you believe, what you feel, you’re so damn stressed out you cannot even think about listening to your heart and everything that you turned to for comfort feels kind of empty. This is not a comfortable place to be in, and it’s even harder to talk about.
On the one side I have great friends who are Pagan, they don’t
seem to be in this odd funk I have fallen into. They are hard at work, casting
their spells and honoring the Gods, they have their shit figured out. On the
other hand we have the bright eyed new Pagans, eager to learn everything they
can, filled with wonderment and delight at this new world. I’m jealous of both
of them. I feel like that cranky old jaded lady in the corner of the party who
sits there grumbling to herself until they put her in the home.
I’ve kept these feelings to myself for a while, trying to
push forwards, appear confident, cool and collected. I try to pretend my ducks are all in a row
when really the fuckers are flying all over the place (and some might have even
left the country). I mean I never have been good at religion. Growing up my
Grandparents were Catholic so I tried to be a good Catholic. I fell a little
short on some issues and while much of the religion is still beautiful and nourishing
to me there were some doctrine points that I whole heartedly disagreed with so
I stepped away.
Around the same time I walked away from Catholicism a cute
boy and I caught each other’s eyes and soon we were seeing each other. He was
from a religious family and so I often went to church with him and tried to be
a good Christian. The youth group we attended was fun with lots of very good
and kind people. The services were upbeat and lively and while I had fun, I
still felt empty inside. Eventually I began to find that they had some doctrine
points that seemed to go against my very nature and so I drifted away from the
religion, and eventually the young lad and myself ended our relationship. I
explored a lot of other religions because of the youth group and then the great
set of boobs brought me to paganism.
Initially I was full of wonder and awe. I explored and after
a few years launched myself into a full fledged year and a day. Eventually I
would join a group, then leave the group and carry on solo. I grooved on,
meeting more new people, pissing others off. I started a blog, went to some
coffee chats and to all appearances I was doing great. But little by little
things have been falling away, and yet I found it hard to talk about. It
somehow… I don’t know, it somehow feels like I’m betraying something. For the
last 10+ years I have been an enthusiastic pagan and now I don’t even know if
that’s where I fit anymore. I’m not looking for sympathy here, or fishing for
compliments. I just want to talk about
it.
Where do we go when we feel like we are lost? I mean
paganism is one hell of a huge umbrella! A priestess from say a Hellenistic
tradition is going to give me a different answer from a devotee to Bast. And
most of our clergy are not trained to be counselors. There are more and more Pagan Seminaries popping up around the world, but the vast majority of Pagan clergy will not attend these schools and Pagan Seminaries are not accredited educational institutions and there is little to no uniformity in teaching and curriculum. So even going to clergy from a seminary will give you a far different answer.
Without any clergy in my area that I can go to I turned to my books, but those were little help. Each other has been grooving along confidently that most of their books are how to manuals. I mean I love them, and have learned a lot from them, but they aren’t at the same level I am at. There is no chapters called “What to do When You are Fucking Lost” or “How to Find Your Way Out of ‘How the Hell Did I Get Here”. Everywhere I turn people seem to be experts and very good at this and I can’t seem to muddle my way through. I feel like I really should have my shit together after ten years.
I have so many questions within myself about what my path is or what it should be, where should I go for help, How do I pray when I don’t know who to pray to? What do you do when you suck at following directions? How do you practice when nothing stirs you and your heart is full of doubt? Where do you start when you want to disentangle yourself from this mess you have gotten yourself in? Am I alone in this or are there other poor buggers like me who are totally tangled up and lost, but absolutely terrified to talk about it? Hello? Anybody there? Alright, gonna keep staggering on.
Without any clergy in my area that I can go to I turned to my books, but those were little help. Each other has been grooving along confidently that most of their books are how to manuals. I mean I love them, and have learned a lot from them, but they aren’t at the same level I am at. There is no chapters called “What to do When You are Fucking Lost” or “How to Find Your Way Out of ‘How the Hell Did I Get Here”. Everywhere I turn people seem to be experts and very good at this and I can’t seem to muddle my way through. I feel like I really should have my shit together after ten years.
I have so many questions within myself about what my path is or what it should be, where should I go for help, How do I pray when I don’t know who to pray to? What do you do when you suck at following directions? How do you practice when nothing stirs you and your heart is full of doubt? Where do you start when you want to disentangle yourself from this mess you have gotten yourself in? Am I alone in this or are there other poor buggers like me who are totally tangled up and lost, but absolutely terrified to talk about it? Hello? Anybody there? Alright, gonna keep staggering on.
